I’ll officially be submitting my applications to the four MFT programs I’m applying to within the coming weeks. Aside from the one program that does rolling admissions, I likely won’t hear anything until late January/early February. I’m hoping to get interviews at each school so I can carefully assess which program would be the best fit for me. Overall the process has been so much more pleasant and less terrifying than applying to PhD programs back in 2013. This is something I truly want to be doing and I feel none of the same pressure and dread I felt back then. Don’t get me wrong– I still feel pressure (from myself) and anxiety, but it’s a completely different and better kind.
I’ll admit I’ve found it slightly harder to concentrate on my current life since making this decision, but only because I’m so excited–for once– for my future. Not all that long ago I still dreaded and feared my future, if I could imagine it at all. Lack of focus was always a byproduct of depression or eating disorder, never excitement— what even is that?
I’m trying harder than ever to live authentically and not worry about what people may think of my choices, changes in my behavior or appearance, or anything else. I’m currently at the highest weight I’ve been at since leaving treatment in 2012. I’m letting myself eat more freely in social situations and not beating myself up (as much) for eating a more normal amount of calories each day. My body image is pretty shitty but dare I say not quite as bad as I imagined it would be at this point? I sometimes can even recognize that I’m still thin. I did yoga in front of a mirror for the first time ever over the weekend (my home studio doesn’t have mirrors, which I like). I was completely surprised that I wasn’t doubling over in disgust at how gross and fat my body looked. It actually looked way more acceptable than I imagined it would look at this weight. Were those trick mirrors? “Skinny mirrors?” Perhaps, especially considering I was doubling over in disgust just hours later when in front of my mirror at home. However, just that fact that I was able to see myself– even for just 75 minutes– a little closer to how others see me was pretty significant.
I had a good talk with someone the other day about how it’s not necessary to completely LOVE your body in recovery, or even as a recovered therapist. You merely have to accept it and be willing to let it take up less mental space in your life. Maintaining an unrealistic weight of under XX lbs used to be at the top of my priority list. My self-worth was determined almost entirely by how far below that weight I could be, because I thought it actually meant something. In reality, it meant very little. I never made a positive impact on the world or even just one person because of how thin I could be. Do I like my body now? Hell no, but I’m slowly becoming more okay with just accepting it as a very insignificant part of who I am.