For the past month, I’ve been consumed by an idea that others might find crazy (and that I found crazy at first as well). Ok, brace yourselves for this… This crazy idea would involve me going back to school to become a licensed mental health professional, most likely via an MFT or MSW program. This idea was/is crazy because:
– As I’ve mentioned many times before (even in this very blog), the clinical route was never for me. Or so I thought.
– I already have a master’s degree (in experimental psych, aka the research/stats side of psychology) that took me long enough to obtain thanks to my crazy maze of a life. I also finally have a job that I enjoy that also took me quite a while to achieve thanks to that same crazy maze of a life. So… why the need to complicate things?
For the past six months I’ve been talking a lot about eating disorders with a former colleague to help her understand them better. It’s been a really great experience– not only have I helped her gain a deeper understanding of what is a very complex disorder, but I’ve also learned some news things about myself. For example, I’ve learned that I’m capable of providing useful knowledge to others based on my own lived experience. This may sound really simple and obvious, but it was a pretty big revelation for me.
About a month ago she brought up the topic of me pursuing a career in therapy (particularly therapy for eating disorders), even though she knew it was something I had in the past rejected. At first I straight out rejected the idea again, saying it was not for me and it would never work, for a million reasons. To be honest, it surprised me that anyone would even suggest this as something for me to seriously consider, because at the time I still saw myself as this crazy f#cked up person and assumed everyone else did as well. And yet, here was this person who I really looked up to and admired telling me that she could totally see me being an amazing therapist. I almost cried tears of joy. Almost.
Just a brief recap of my career aspirations, my original goal back when first choosing psychology as my major as a college freshman a million years ago was to became a practicing therapist. At the time I actually hoped to get my PhD and become a clinical psychologist. However, as the years went by and my eating disorder grew stronger and stronger I realized this was a pretty dead end goal for me. I was never going to be mentally stable enough for that to become a reality, so I switched my focus to research instead. I got my master’s in experimental with the intention of going directly to a PhD program in clinical psych, although my focus was going to be almost purely research/teaching. I mean yeah, I would be getting clinical training whether I liked it or not in a clinical PhD program, but my end goal was to be a researcher; I was only looking to clinical programs because my research interests were clinical. (This all makes 10x more sense if you’re familiar with this field, otherwise you’re probably bored and/or confused to tears right now, haha). Anyway, I ended up frantically withdrawing all of the PhD applications I sent out 3 years ago– for several legit reasons, but also, if I’m honest, because I didn’t think I was stable enough to handle such a grueling career path at the time. I had nightmares of making all of these drastic life changes in pursuit of this path (e.g., cross-country moves, going into more debt) only to have it all come crashing down due to me falling headfirst back into my eating disorder and depression. I mean, let’s face it, that had happened several times before already. So, as the story goes, I put a halt to that plan and found work in the field instead, which is how I ended up where I am today, in a job I genuinely enjoy and feel good about.
Even though I finally feel good about what I’m doing, I’d be lying if I said I never wondered what could have been or even what could still be. Over the past couple years, as I’ve made once unimaginable progress with my eating disorder, I’ve found I’m more and more eager to share what I’ve learned in hopes of giving other people hope that a better life may very well exist for them as well. I started this blog in March in hopes of reaching others and I’ve been talking a lot recently to fellow sufferers about how I was able to make changes that I never thought I’d be able to make.
Over the past month, I’ve reached out to many people from various parts of my life, past and present. I’ve contacted old therapists, co-workers, bosses, friends, etc. I’ve talked to people currently in the clinical field as well as people who started down that route who ultimately went in a different direction. I’ve asked them to share their own experiences with me, and perhaps a bit selfishly, I’ve asked them what they think about me ever succeeding in such a role. I really wanted to get a diverse and balanced perspective, and that’s exactly what I got. While everyone I talked to was supportive of me choosing to go down such a path if I so ultimately chose, some were more optimistic than others and many offered their real concerns and hesitations. This is exactly what I was looking for– real, honest feedback! The problem is, I’m now left with the difficult job of analyzing it all and deciding what the final conclusion is. And I know it’s not that simple. This is not my work as a research analyst; life choices like this are not a simple matter of some nifty data analysis and reporting.
I’m not looking to start a whole new career. As I’ve said before, I truly do enjoy and find fulfillment from my current line of work. I get to use some of my best skills to make data meaningful to people who can then use that data to inform practice and programs. My goal would not be to replace this but to supplement it with a new clinical skill-set. I guess ideally I would see myself continuing to work in the non-profit research sector while also holding a part-time private practice. The agency where I currently work is rife with people who maintain small private practices outside of their full-time jobs so I know it’s possible, I just wonder if it’s possible/feasible for me?
Now, I’m a very practical and risk-averse person, so to say I’ve carefully examined all the messy logistics and financials of this idea would be an understatement. I’ve kind of been obsessing over it for the past month. 😉 It would be a lot of work, none of it easy. There are programs that would allow me to continue working full-time through the first year or so (before I’d start my supervised clinical hours), but it would definitely take some adjustments. I’d have to take out more student loans, and somehow find the time and financial space to complete all my internship hours to eventually become licensed (i.e., to become licensed as an MFT you need to accumulate 3,000 supervised hours, most of which are usually unpaid while you’re still in school and very low paid once you have your degree). If I applied to programs soon for fall 2017 admittance, I’d realistically be looking at about 3 years of school and another 1-2 years before becoming licensed and able to start building my own practice, so about 5 years in all (and 6 years from now). I’d probably be 38 before I’d even have a chance of starting to live that life I’m so ideally imagining– working full-time in the non-profit research arena while also maintaining a small but thriving private practice. If it all worked that way though, it would totally be worth it to me. Hell, 38 is not that old. I’d still have several decades of working years left (and let’s face it, I’ll probably never be able to afford retirement so I’ll be working until I’m dead 😉 ).
Of course, I’m a pessimist by nature so it’s really hard for me to picture any of this working out even slightly as planned. I’ve come up with pretty much every imaginable reason why it wouldn’t work, and yet somehow, I haven’t been able to fully release the idea from my brain, which I’m starting to take as a sign that I must really want this on some deep level.
Now before I get too carried away with this, I should mention the pretty huge part that I haven’t really touched on yet, which is the question of whether I’m even in a place to be considering this, mental stability wise. This idea originally focused on working specifically with eating disorders, which was perhaps why I initially had such a strong pessimistic reaction to it. Yes, I’m doing a million times better than I have been in the past, but I’m the first to admit I’m not fully recovered, and may never will be. As someone who’s been exposed to quite a few “recovered” ED therapists, I know firsthand how important it is that these people be actually recovered. While people with lived experience have the potential to be great therapists, I’ll admit I’ve come across more people in the eating disorder world who were actually worse therapists because of this. They say or do quite triggering things without even being aware, or they inaccurately assume things about their clients’ eating disorders based on what they think is a universal experience. They fail to recognize the incredibly unique experience of each individual. When confronted with this these things, they often get defensive and even angry. I think a big part of my reluctance to consider this a serious career possibility until now has been a fear of being like these people. Yes, I want to help people and I truly believe my life experiences could be an asset, but I also know there’s a huge risk in assuming that to be true.
I would never, ever want to risk being a negative influence on my clients, so I quickly decided that I’d have to commit to being more in recovery than I currently am if I ever planned to work with clients with eating disorders. Part of this would mean finally getting to an actual healthy weight (not just “better for me” which I currently am and have been for a while, but like, actually a legit non-underweight BMI). Could I do this? I think I could, but who really knows? At first the thought of this actually made me excited… like I finally had a reason or “excuse” to loosen up my control a little bit. I could allow myself to eat more, and even if I gained a little weight, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, because I’d be doing it for a greater purpose. Would it really be that easy though? Is it really wise to get better for the sake of others, especially others who I plan on legitimately helping through this very issue? And what about my own personal philosophy that I’ve been preaching for the past six months, ever since starting this blog, that “full recovery” may not be for everyone and that’s okay? So now I’m saying it actually is necessary, at least if you want to help others? Or is that even what I’m saying? Who’s to say that getting to a healthy weight would mean I was magically 100% recovered anyway? And would that be okay?
These are all complicated questions that probably no one can answer for me. The bottom line is that if I do pursue this path, I would not limit myself to the treatment of eating disorders because I’m not fully convinced I’m capable of being “recovered enough” in that area. It’s a specialty I would ultimately love to pursue, but I’m also not willing to risk the health and safety of others to make it happen. While I truly do think that starting down this path would help me take my own recovery to the next level, I know that’s not the reason to pursue anything. I would be doing this to help others, and if I happened to help myself in the process, great, but at the end of the day my goal would be to help people in the way I best felt I could, whether that be specifically with eating disorders or other issues.
Does this all sound completely out there and unrealistic? If it does, feel free to tell me. I’m still on my quest to gather as much information as I can about the feasibility and soundness of this plan. I don’t do well with indecision and the unknown so I’m hoping to make a decision about whether or not to take the next steps to make this dream a reality within the next week or so. I know the real decision is mine, but I also really enjoy and appreciate hearing so many different perspectives from the people whose opinions I value most. If you don’t feel comfortable replying directly to this blog or on Facebook, feel free to message or email me privately. I love data! The more the better! 🙂